Transcending

Me: Hello God.
God: Hello...
Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?
God: I'd rather not.
Me: Why?
God: Because you're not a puzzle.
Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground?
God: Leave them there for a while. They fell for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide if you need to take any of those pieces back.
Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking!
God: No, you don't understand. You're transcending, evolving.
What you feel are growing pains. You're getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back.
The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are being put in place.
Relax.
Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down.
Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you.
Let them fall.
Let them go.
Me: Once I start doing that,
what will I have left?
God: Only the best pieces of yourself.
Me: I'm afraid to change.
God: I keep telling you:
YOU'RE NOT CHANGING! YOU'RE BECOMING!
Me: Becoming, Who?
God: Becoming who I created you to be!
A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion.
I made you for so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear.
Let those things fall off you.
I love you!
Don't change!
Become!
Don't change!
Become!
Become who I want you to be, who I created. I'm gonna keep telling you this until you remember.
Me: There goes another piece.
God: Yes. Let it be like this.
Me: So... I'm not broken?
God: No, but you're breaking the darkness, like dawn.
It's a new day.
Become!!
Become who you really are.

~John Roedel

art: Henn Kim

Can anyone relate to this? I was here so many times. So broken. Feeling shattered and helpless. It wasn’t until I started self care and loving myself did I start to feel better day by day. Start with the little things like putting on lipstick, taking a selfie of you smiling, reading positive quotes, listening to a self help podcast or audible book, taking a bubble bath, connecting with nature, hiking, writing in your journal (if you don’t have one, please go out and buy one.), write cute I am affirmations on post it notes and put them on your bathroom mirror. Choose YOU! EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

xoxoxoox

Stay Kind

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Oh man. I find this quote hilarious actually. This used to be me. I never thought I would ever admit this to the world publicly because it’s something I was ashamed of. But we all know where shame leads.. a world of inner hurt, rebellion and toxicity.

And since I’m starting a community on freeing yourself from what holds you back. I need to start with MY TRUTH. MY STORY.

I was the one that numbed my pain with alcohol and then covered that up with meaningless sex. Odd to say that out loud! Because I never owned that truth until right now, this very second. Of course I told the best stories to my friends, who all lived vicariously through me, but what they didn’t know was that even though I could have anyone at the snap of my fingers, I was extremely lonely inside.

I always filled the void I felt in my heart, with men. Not even the right men. Sometimes being extremely reckless. But as long as I was happy (or so I thought), it was ok. Abandonment issues and codependency are no joke.

And then I wondered why I couldn’t find that special someone who wanted to marry me. How could anyone possibly love me if I didn’t love myself first?!?!

It was a very lonely life. Even though I always had someone there.

I never realized the only thing to fill that void within was through my own self love and worthiness.

Once I started my journey of self love... my need for a man stopped. #SorryItsMeNotYou . So did all my crazy and wild stories. Lol. Not gonna lie I did have fun and could write a book on those adventures.... but at what cost?

Today I’m proud to say that the only person I need is me, myself and I.

And yes of course my friends and family.

I CHOOSE to be with a man because I WANT to, not because I NEED to. So if you’re getting my attention.... please know that shit is special. Genuine. And a decision I’ve carefully made to have you in my life. And I’m also OK being alone. I’ve learned to love my own company.

It feels so amazing to say I’m freed of that toxic personality. The one with that low self esteem that needed others to validate her self worth. I’m not perfect and I take things day by day. There are still times I doubt myself. But I’m aware of it now.

My recovery process didn’t happen overnight. It took YEARS! And daily progress that I still need to keep up with in order to not fall back into that state of mind.

Ladies.... we need each other. If I had someone encourage and guide me, I could have gotten here faster. I didn’t know how to love myself. I didn’t even know what that meant. I THOUGHT I did. But clearly I didn’t. I hid behind addictions that although were extremely fun were not the healthiest.

I know it’s hard to be honest and vulnerable when it comes to telling your truth. I’m cringing re-reading this. I want to press delete. But I will keep it up. Because if I can help just ONE woman learn how to love herself completely and own her story proudly.... then it was all worth it. Free yourself from your own inner demons.

This is no longer my burden to carry. I release it.

Online Women Community coming soon!!!!

#selflove #selfawareness #bekindtoyourself #releasetoxicthoughtsandactions #healthymind #tellyourstorytohelpothers #letsevolve #letthatshitgo #freeyourself

DAY THIRTEEN | DRIVEN | SELF LOVE PROJECT

Day 14 | Driven

I was 15 when I had unprotected sex. Got pregnant the very first time. You can only imagine the thoughts running through my head. What am I going to tell my parents? How am I going to manage school? Who will watch my baby while I go out into the world and continue to kick ass? Never ever did I think about adoption or abortion. And not that either of those choices are bad choices. I support them all! I just knew from the beginning that I would have this baby. I was more afraid of disappointing my parents than actually raising a child. What words can I possibly say to bear the news??? How can I break it to them gently? Nothing came to mind. So I didn't say anything at all. I kept silent for four months.

My mom knew. She had to know. She stopped buying me maxi pads. I'm sure that was the first sign. And then my clothes kept getting bigger. I would tell her I needed to go shopping and I bought baggier shirts to hide my tummy and bigger sizes in pants. She wanted me to tell her. She never confronted me. Until my sister-in-law finally asked. I knew what was coming. She took me out to lunch (which we never did). And she asked me. And I cried. And I said I don't know how to tell my parents. I'm so ashamed. I'm so mad at myself for getting into this situation.

I'm a smart girl. A straight A student. How the hell did I get here??? Now let me tell you this. I was NEVER ashamed of my child (if you so happen to be reading this Berto), I was only ashamed by my choices I made in life at such a young age. Mad at myself for not using protection. Mad that I allowed a boy to talk me into having unprotected sex and believing that he would take care of me. I could have been smarter about it. That's all. I missed my first trimester of prenatal pills and check ups. I was already in my 2nd trimester when I finally told my parents. The look in their eyes was enough to punish me. I can't even fathom having that talk with my children now. It would kill me inside.

My mom was the most supportive mother I could have ever imagined having though. She took me to all my appointments. Bought me stuff for the baby. Gave me a baby shower. Did all the things you would do for someone you were proud of. She never ever ever made me feel like I disappointed her, even if she was hurt. I know my parents expected so much from me. I was the one that was supposed to go to college and start a great legacy for the family name. I was the one they were routing for. So much pressure. My parents were divorced since I was 7.  I stopped going to my dads on the weekends when I was 13 or so. My mom pretty much raised us all on her own. I would remember nights she would drive 20 minutes at 10:30pm just to get the banana split I was craving.  Never did she ever complain about it. She happily drove me places and did things with me even though people talked behind our back. That was the worst of the entire teenage pregnancy experience. The way people looked at you in disgust. How they would talk crap about my mom and how irresponsible she was for allowing this to happen. That pissed me off more than anything. Because they didn't know my mom.  They didn't know that this woman was the best mother anyone could possibly ever ask for. They didn't know that she was a single mother caring for 3 boys that wouldn't stop getting into trouble and a daughter that rebelled for the hell of it.... just because. Maybe I was mad at the world for dealing us the cards we were dealt. I don't know. But what I do know is that my mother had NOTHING to do with any of the decisions we made in life. But like the amazing woman she was... she still held her head up high and grabbed me by my arm and walked with me down the aisle of the grocery stores or shopping malls and never once faltered on anyones nasty glares or shit talking. And that made me feel so good inside. To know that my mother was there for me from day one and would never turn her back on me.

I knew that I didn't want to be a statistic. A teenage drop out, pregnant again in a year. I wanted so much more for myself and for my future. So I fought to get there. Daily I did things to motivate myself to do better. To love myself enough and to provide me and my son with a life that was worth living.  I finished high school and graduated top 4% in my class. I continued on to college but stopped going due to devastating family circumstances. Went on to work for Corporate America.  Became a manager of a Fortune 500 company and made 6 figures by the time I was 23. And now own my own business. I would hope my parents are proud of me. I hope my son is. He pushed me every single day with that cute little face of his staring back at me. I did it all for him. Everything I struggled and fought for was for him. Still till this day people are completely shocked when they hear I have a son that is 26. It's like I wait for it... wait for it...... WHAT???? YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A KID THAT IS 26!!!!! Ha. Yes. Yes I am. But I do. And I am more proud of him than anything. My baby has made me the woman I am today and there is nothing in the world that I would do differently a second time around if ever given the chance. Maybe chosen a better father for him. But that's about it. My son has given me more drive and more inspiration than anything else in this world. And I am forever grateful to him for that.

My only advice to you mothers out there is... talk openly with your children. Explain the consequences. And if they decide to make wrong decisions. Just be there for them. Support them. Love them with all your heart. I could never have made it without my amazing support system.

Here is a photo of me and my baby, six years ago, when he turned 21. I'm so very proud of the handsome, young man he has turned into.

Here is a letter I wrote in 2014 to him on his 21st birthday.

Oh man. Today is a big day. You are 21 years old. How does a mother sum up 21 years of unconditional love? I was 15 years old. Scared. Uncertain I could give my child a good life. But one thing I did know was, I was never gonna give you up and I was never gonna let you down. I loved you even before you were born. Once I saw that face, I knew there was NOTHING in the world that would hold me back. You are the reason for who I am today. You have shaped me, molded me and created me to be the strong woman I am. Every single decision I have made along the way was always in the best interest of you. You were always my #1 priority. You brought happiness into my life, even in my darkest hours. You pushed me to get better jobs, to be in better relationships. To never look back but to continue to move forward with a vengeance. You may not know you were doing this. But you did. Every time I saw that sweet face of yours, I knew I wanted the best life I could offer you and in doing so, I had to be a better person. Without you, I'm not sure where I would be. I know it's not ideal to have a child at such a young age and we've had very long conversations about that once you hit your teens. Because if I'm being quite honest- it wasn't easy. It took a lot of hard work and major support from my family and friends. And I had to grow up so quickly. But I want you to know that you NEVER held me back from my dreams, you created them. I was able to move mountains because of you. To watch you grow into a young man has been a privilege. Your laugh is contagious and it brings such joy to my heart because I know you are happy. It's such a ridiculously, obnoxious laugh and it warms my soul. I hope I have given you everything you have ever needed or wanted in life. Your passion and drive make me proud to be your mother. You are such a hard worker and so very loyal. Anyone would be lucky to have you on their team. I can only hope you learned that from me. If I taught you anything I hope it was, you can have anything your heart desires. Nothing can stop you. No obstacles could hold you back from living the life you want to live. Keep your eye on the prize baby. You are so talented and gifted. And so very intelligent. You can move mountains. Believe in yourself. Create the life you only dream of having. Only you can create your destiny. Only you can change to be who you want to be. You deserve everything you desire. Be smart with your decisions. Have fun. And live with no regrets. Learn from your mistakes and don't let them define you, but instead help them better you. You will fail many times in life but in the end you will succeed. Because with success comes many failures my love. It's just what you chose to do with them that shapes you into who you will become. I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for being the light at the end of my tunnel. Thank you for being the best son that a son could be. I love you with all my heart and soul. Happy 21st Birthday!!! You will always be my baby!!! - mom 

Model: Me

Photographer: Modern Love Photography

Hair and Makeup: Ashyln Taylor

DAY ELEVEN | OUTGOING | SELF LOVE PROJECT

DAY ELEVEN | OUTGOING

I love to hang out with my friends & fam and crave being near them. Having a glass of wine with them or going out to lunch/dinner or movie is a must. I love to be out and about. Very rarely will you catch me at home once my priorities are finished. I'm always itching to do something. Dancing is one of my passions. Take me to a place with music and I will dance my heart out. I don't do this as often as I'd like any more because I have been tamed. :)But when I do get out... you better believe I will be on that dance floor, getting lost in the music. I love making new friends and have many all over the world, those of which I have never met in person but who I talk to daily and are some of my greatest friends and encouragers that I know. Im a people person. I can make friends instantly upon meeting you. I'm obsessed with hearing your story and getting to know you. I can just sit at the bar and strike up a conversation with a stranger. Those are some of my favorite moments, deep, random conversations. I love new adventures and when I plan my photography trips, I normally go without an agenda. I just explore. Very spontaneously. I enjoy life. To the fullest. 

Model: Me

Photographer: Modern Love Photography

Hair and Makeup: Ashyln Taylor