DAY TWELVE | FORGIVING
“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” -Martin Luther King, Jr.
Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness. - Marianne Williamson
This is probably going to be one of the hardest subjects I will touch on, during this project. FORGIVING.
Not only those who have hurt me. But more importantly,
F O R G I V I N G M Y S E L F.
I have allowed so much hurt and pain to build up inside from all the trauma I have been through in my childhood and teenage days. And I chose to constantly inflict those open wounds over and over again, through toxic ways, to rid the void that left me numb to emotion. Acting out in ways that seemed to fulfill me at the time but have harmed me in the long run, without me even knowing about it. I numbed myself with alcohol and meaningless sex. And of course at the time I was doing it, it was fun. My friends used to live vicariously through me and all the crazy, wild times. But I didn’t know until my recent journey of self healing that I was running from my trauma. And even took the chance in ruining a relationship with one of the most important people in my life. Just to FEEL desired again. Which in turn just backfired on me because I got involved in meaningless relationships with men who didn’t deserve me and I was at such an all time low that I felt they were all that I deserved and never would I allow myself to open up to a beautiful marriage, even if it stared me right in the face, because I was self sabotaging anything good that came my way, for punishment of the bad I had done to those I loved most. Why do we do this to ourselves??? That will come in a later blog post on inner healing. Be sure to bookmark this blog for some raw shiiiizzzzzz.
I blamed everyone who hurt me, for the way I turned out in my adulthood. The one I blamed most was my son’s father. (Please note that I don’t have ANY angry feelings anymore to anyone mentioned in this story. That is all past me now and I am grateful for my experiences, as painful as they were.) I always thought it started with him and the emotionally abusive teenage relationship I was in for four years. Until a really great friend of mine, who is a hypnotherapist, told me otherwise. She asked me to dive deeper down inside. She asked me to go all the way back to as far as I can remember. And not that that relationship didn’t fuck me up, it did. Oh I still hear his voice in the back of my mind telling me how unworthy I am. But my subconscious goes so much deeper.
I’m going to tell you a few things that happened in my life. And please do not think bad of anyone mentioned! I love these people with all my heart and soul and I am not speaking ill of them because I am mad, angry or hurt. I am merely just speaking about a moment in time and a small snippet of my life. Everything I went through has made me the resilient woman that I am today. And I am so grateful to be able to use my gift to help others heal.
So back to my story….. I was asked to dive into my childhood memories.
It took me back to when I was a little girl. Maybe four or five when I started to realize that my family was falling apart but at the time didn’t understand it. I don’t even think my mom knew what was happening. But I have a very good intuition and I realize that even at that young of an age, I knew we were going downhill and there was nothing that was going to save us. I could remember my brothers always acting out with gangs, drugs, alcohol, stealing and causing my dad to yell at them in a drunk stupor. I remember all too many nights of this. It’s weird how we stuff those memories far far away, so they don’t come back to haunt us. But the more we stuff them down, the more they come out to play. I didn’t even know I had those memories anymore. But I was forced to bring them forth to start healing my inner child. Little did I know back then, that my two older brothers had a hunch that my dad was cheating on my mom, (with her best friend). And this is how they chose to react to it. It all makes sense now that everything has come to light and how much I have studied trauma and the things we do to run from it. And the toxic ways we choose to deal with pain and suffering. But needless to say the story goes on.
At the age of seven he left us. With a note. A NOTE. That is when my world ended. With that one stupid, fucking note. I wasn’t angry at that time. I was sad for my mom and what was in store for us as a family. At the age of seven we still have that child like innocence. Anger didn’t show up until I was around 13 or 14 years old. So I was just trying to be there for my mom. At SEVEN. I was a healer all my life. From as far back as I can remember. Enter in CODEPENDENCY and LOVE ADDICTION here as well, because I always FEEL the need to help people and make everyone happy. Everyone but myself. And I will always search for love outside of myself (and yes I do know this is unhealthy and not the right way) and yup, I had no clue what all this was until about 3 years ago when another great friend of mine said I have codependency/love addiction traits, as she does, and wow… I now have read three books to figure out what all that means. I will list those books below if you ever want to read up on that.
My family was shattered. For as long as I can remember we were the family that hosted all the holidays and birthday parties for all, even extended family members. Our home was the place where all the neighborhood kids would come to play. Our home was the place where my mom made 3 course meals and you left feeling satisfied and full. Not only in your tummy but also, your heart. That was long gone when my dad left. My dad came from a HUGE family of 15. So you can imagine how quiet it was once everyone stopped coming around. It was deafening. I wish to this day that my children could have experienced what FAMILY was like. But when your heart feels like you have a huge hole in it, those memories hurt too much to bring up my own family in such a way. So I chose not to. Maybe for selfish reasons. Reasons that I was holding on to those special moments as my own. Whatever the reason… it was just broken.
My brothers rebelled even more with alcohol, selling drugs and in an out of prison. I got pregnant at the age of 15. And the youngest of my brothers, who was only a year and a half older than me, committed suicide at the age of 19. You think a father leaving a family could shatter your world…. try watching a mother losing her child. And not just one but two. My oldest brother who became a quadriplegic at the age of 30 from a gun shot wound, died at the age of 40 from complications of it. That’s an entirely different story that will be coming soon on RESILIENCE.
I felt so broken. My whole life. And I never knew why. I mean, I knew why, but I’m the type of person that makes lemonade out of lemons. I kind of just allowed life to happen. And I lived in a subconscious state of mind. Never aware. Just chose to move forward because it was the only way I knew how to survive. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and lived in my own little world and tried to fill it with sunshine, the best way that I knew how.
ALL OF THIS in a nutshell on forgiveness. I was so angry at my dad for walking out on my mom, angry at my brother for leaving me behind to pick up the pieces (that shit left a void so large, I still can’t seem to fill it), angry at my mom for having me take on responsibilities at such a young age (even though I know it was not her fault. I would have DIED if I ever lost a child), angry at my son’s dad for making me feel worthless. And most of all angry at myself for holding all this hatred inside for so long. All this bullshit I carried around and weighed myself down for so long! I never realized that I had been carrying all this sadness inside of me and allowing it to cripple me. But when I finally became aware of it. I decided I needed to forgive everyone, including myself in order to not be a prisoner of my own mind. AND SO I DID. And it was a beautiful thing!!!!!!
Being angry at people does nothing for you. The only thing it does is makes you miserable and toxic. And the only person you are hurting is yourself. So I BEG of you, to forgive those you can’t seem to forgive, so you can start your healing process. Do it right now. Write them a letter and send it to them. If you can’t send it to them, write a letter any way and then burn it. Just get it out of your system. I promise all this ugliness inside will cause diseases and turmoil. LET THAT SHIT GO!!!!!
My dad was a wonderful man. God rest his soul. He was the most spontaneous, passionate, fun, loving, caring, charismatic, funny, handsome, clever, intelligent, witty, outgoing and generous man you will ever have met in your lifetime. He truly was. My mom says I am 100% like him. I would like to think I’m 50% him and 50% my mom though. LOL. Because my mom is the most loving, compassionate, honest, loyal, kind hearted, sweet, caring and most giving soul you will ever run across.
I don't blame them for what happened anymore. I know we are all in charge of our own choices and decisions in life. And we can't blame others for the road we choose to go down. We can only blame ourselves. I was lucky enough to spend 5 more amazing years with my dad, before he passed away of cancer. Patching up our relationship and getting things back to normal. Taking my kids to see him. He loved my kids so much. We have so many fond memories of him. He was everyones favorite uncle, favorite brother, favorite friend. He was my everything. And I wasted so many years without him there every step of the way. My daddy was full of life. Even up until the day he died. He was always there to help me. He loved my mom. I know he did. He loved us all so much. He knows he has been forgiven. I had a long talk with him before his passing. I told him I was so sorry. So so very sorry for acting the way I did. His memory still lives on strong in my household. We talk about him often.
Life is just too short to hold any grudges against those you love. I am very much a part of my stepmom and stepbrother/sister's lives and I adore them to pieces. Don't make the same mistake I did. Please, please find the peace in your heart to forgive. Once you do, you will fill your heart with love instead. And love is so much more powerful than regret, loss and emptiness.
The relationship with my son’s dad has long been forgiven as well. We were just kids. Trying to figure it all out. We didn’t know any better.
And the anger I had towards my brother Jerry for killing himself was lifted from my heart years ago. I studied up on mental diseases. I truly believe he was manic depressive. Something I didn’t even know about until I dove deep into books and understanding the human brain. It was his only way out. And I have forgiven him. I love and miss him so very much. I wish I would have been able to help him. I wish I knew about depression. But the only thing I can do now is help others going through it.
By forgiving everyone completely, including myself. I have allowed to set myself free.
I know our lives didn’t end up the way they did because of my parents but because of the way we chose to react to our trauma. It’s all how you CHOOSE to react to trauma that will determine the outcome. I wish I knew early on how to get help. I wish I knew how to heal my inner child when I was in my early 20’s. It would have saved a lot of turmoil in my lifetime. But I’m also grateful to have went through all of this. Because of this, I have a boudoir photography business that helps empower woman and help them to see their inner beauty. It’s more fulfilling than I can possibly imagine. I love being able to photograph them and to allow them to be vulnerable in front of me. I love that I was able to start a women community called BEAUTY WITHIN where we can speak our raw and unedited lives and not be judged for it. I love that I can help heal women and lead by example and with my experiences and provide resources to them, that I have come across in my lifetime. This fuels my heart. This is my purpose in life and I am so passionate about it. I believe we are supposed to be where we are at each given moment. And its what you decide to do with it that will change your world. Do good with it. Take the negatives and turn it into positives. And help others grow. Teach others how to be resilient. Show them how they too, can be a warrior in their own battles.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. -Lewis B. Smedes
The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody
Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody
Model: Me
Photographer: Modern Love Photography
Hair and Makeup: Ashyln Taylor