Transcending

Me: Hello God.
God: Hello...
Me: I'm falling apart. Can you put me back together?
God: I'd rather not.
Me: Why?
God: Because you're not a puzzle.
Me: What about all the pieces of my life that fall to the ground?
God: Leave them there for a while. They fell for a reason. Let them be there for a while and then decide if you need to take any of those pieces back.
Me: You don't understand! I'm breaking!
God: No, you don't understand. You're transcending, evolving.
What you feel are growing pains. You're getting rid of the things and people in your life that are holding you back.
The pieces are not falling down. The pieces are being put in place.
Relax.
Take a deep breath and let those things you no longer need fall down.
Stop clinging to pieces that are no longer for you.
Let them fall.
Let them go.
Me: Once I start doing that,
what will I have left?
God: Only the best pieces of yourself.
Me: I'm afraid to change.
God: I keep telling you:
YOU'RE NOT CHANGING! YOU'RE BECOMING!
Me: Becoming, Who?
God: Becoming who I created you to be!
A person of light, love, charity, hope, courage, joy, mercy, grace and compassion.
I made you for so much more than those shallow pieces you decided to adorn yourself with and that you cling to with so much greed and fear.
Let those things fall off you.
I love you!
Don't change!
Become!
Don't change!
Become!
Become who I want you to be, who I created. I'm gonna keep telling you this until you remember.
Me: There goes another piece.
God: Yes. Let it be like this.
Me: So... I'm not broken?
God: No, but you're breaking the darkness, like dawn.
It's a new day.
Become!!
Become who you really are.

~John Roedel

art: Henn Kim

Can anyone relate to this? I was here so many times. So broken. Feeling shattered and helpless. It wasn’t until I started self care and loving myself did I start to feel better day by day. Start with the little things like putting on lipstick, taking a selfie of you smiling, reading positive quotes, listening to a self help podcast or audible book, taking a bubble bath, connecting with nature, hiking, writing in your journal (if you don’t have one, please go out and buy one.), write cute I am affirmations on post it notes and put them on your bathroom mirror. Choose YOU! EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

xoxoxoox

Stay Kind

DAY THIRTEEN | DRIVEN | SELF LOVE PROJECT

Day 14 | Driven

I was 15 when I had unprotected sex. Got pregnant the very first time. You can only imagine the thoughts running through my head. What am I going to tell my parents? How am I going to manage school? Who will watch my baby while I go out into the world and continue to kick ass? Never ever did I think about adoption or abortion. And not that either of those choices are bad choices. I support them all! I just knew from the beginning that I would have this baby. I was more afraid of disappointing my parents than actually raising a child. What words can I possibly say to bear the news??? How can I break it to them gently? Nothing came to mind. So I didn't say anything at all. I kept silent for four months.

My mom knew. She had to know. She stopped buying me maxi pads. I'm sure that was the first sign. And then my clothes kept getting bigger. I would tell her I needed to go shopping and I bought baggier shirts to hide my tummy and bigger sizes in pants. She wanted me to tell her. She never confronted me. Until my sister-in-law finally asked. I knew what was coming. She took me out to lunch (which we never did). And she asked me. And I cried. And I said I don't know how to tell my parents. I'm so ashamed. I'm so mad at myself for getting into this situation.

I'm a smart girl. A straight A student. How the hell did I get here??? Now let me tell you this. I was NEVER ashamed of my child (if you so happen to be reading this Berto), I was only ashamed by my choices I made in life at such a young age. Mad at myself for not using protection. Mad that I allowed a boy to talk me into having unprotected sex and believing that he would take care of me. I could have been smarter about it. That's all. I missed my first trimester of prenatal pills and check ups. I was already in my 2nd trimester when I finally told my parents. The look in their eyes was enough to punish me. I can't even fathom having that talk with my children now. It would kill me inside.

My mom was the most supportive mother I could have ever imagined having though. She took me to all my appointments. Bought me stuff for the baby. Gave me a baby shower. Did all the things you would do for someone you were proud of. She never ever ever made me feel like I disappointed her, even if she was hurt. I know my parents expected so much from me. I was the one that was supposed to go to college and start a great legacy for the family name. I was the one they were routing for. So much pressure. My parents were divorced since I was 7.  I stopped going to my dads on the weekends when I was 13 or so. My mom pretty much raised us all on her own. I would remember nights she would drive 20 minutes at 10:30pm just to get the banana split I was craving.  Never did she ever complain about it. She happily drove me places and did things with me even though people talked behind our back. That was the worst of the entire teenage pregnancy experience. The way people looked at you in disgust. How they would talk crap about my mom and how irresponsible she was for allowing this to happen. That pissed me off more than anything. Because they didn't know my mom.  They didn't know that this woman was the best mother anyone could possibly ever ask for. They didn't know that she was a single mother caring for 3 boys that wouldn't stop getting into trouble and a daughter that rebelled for the hell of it.... just because. Maybe I was mad at the world for dealing us the cards we were dealt. I don't know. But what I do know is that my mother had NOTHING to do with any of the decisions we made in life. But like the amazing woman she was... she still held her head up high and grabbed me by my arm and walked with me down the aisle of the grocery stores or shopping malls and never once faltered on anyones nasty glares or shit talking. And that made me feel so good inside. To know that my mother was there for me from day one and would never turn her back on me.

I knew that I didn't want to be a statistic. A teenage drop out, pregnant again in a year. I wanted so much more for myself and for my future. So I fought to get there. Daily I did things to motivate myself to do better. To love myself enough and to provide me and my son with a life that was worth living.  I finished high school and graduated top 4% in my class. I continued on to college but stopped going due to devastating family circumstances. Went on to work for Corporate America.  Became a manager of a Fortune 500 company and made 6 figures by the time I was 23. And now own my own business. I would hope my parents are proud of me. I hope my son is. He pushed me every single day with that cute little face of his staring back at me. I did it all for him. Everything I struggled and fought for was for him. Still till this day people are completely shocked when they hear I have a son that is 26. It's like I wait for it... wait for it...... WHAT???? YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A KID THAT IS 26!!!!! Ha. Yes. Yes I am. But I do. And I am more proud of him than anything. My baby has made me the woman I am today and there is nothing in the world that I would do differently a second time around if ever given the chance. Maybe chosen a better father for him. But that's about it. My son has given me more drive and more inspiration than anything else in this world. And I am forever grateful to him for that.

My only advice to you mothers out there is... talk openly with your children. Explain the consequences. And if they decide to make wrong decisions. Just be there for them. Support them. Love them with all your heart. I could never have made it without my amazing support system.

Here is a photo of me and my baby, six years ago, when he turned 21. I'm so very proud of the handsome, young man he has turned into.

Here is a letter I wrote in 2014 to him on his 21st birthday.

Oh man. Today is a big day. You are 21 years old. How does a mother sum up 21 years of unconditional love? I was 15 years old. Scared. Uncertain I could give my child a good life. But one thing I did know was, I was never gonna give you up and I was never gonna let you down. I loved you even before you were born. Once I saw that face, I knew there was NOTHING in the world that would hold me back. You are the reason for who I am today. You have shaped me, molded me and created me to be the strong woman I am. Every single decision I have made along the way was always in the best interest of you. You were always my #1 priority. You brought happiness into my life, even in my darkest hours. You pushed me to get better jobs, to be in better relationships. To never look back but to continue to move forward with a vengeance. You may not know you were doing this. But you did. Every time I saw that sweet face of yours, I knew I wanted the best life I could offer you and in doing so, I had to be a better person. Without you, I'm not sure where I would be. I know it's not ideal to have a child at such a young age and we've had very long conversations about that once you hit your teens. Because if I'm being quite honest- it wasn't easy. It took a lot of hard work and major support from my family and friends. And I had to grow up so quickly. But I want you to know that you NEVER held me back from my dreams, you created them. I was able to move mountains because of you. To watch you grow into a young man has been a privilege. Your laugh is contagious and it brings such joy to my heart because I know you are happy. It's such a ridiculously, obnoxious laugh and it warms my soul. I hope I have given you everything you have ever needed or wanted in life. Your passion and drive make me proud to be your mother. You are such a hard worker and so very loyal. Anyone would be lucky to have you on their team. I can only hope you learned that from me. If I taught you anything I hope it was, you can have anything your heart desires. Nothing can stop you. No obstacles could hold you back from living the life you want to live. Keep your eye on the prize baby. You are so talented and gifted. And so very intelligent. You can move mountains. Believe in yourself. Create the life you only dream of having. Only you can create your destiny. Only you can change to be who you want to be. You deserve everything you desire. Be smart with your decisions. Have fun. And live with no regrets. Learn from your mistakes and don't let them define you, but instead help them better you. You will fail many times in life but in the end you will succeed. Because with success comes many failures my love. It's just what you chose to do with them that shapes you into who you will become. I'd like to say thank you. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for being the light at the end of my tunnel. Thank you for being the best son that a son could be. I love you with all my heart and soul. Happy 21st Birthday!!! You will always be my baby!!! - mom 

Model: Me

Photographer: Modern Love Photography

Hair and Makeup: Ashyln Taylor

Day 4 | Courageous | Self Love Project

DAY FOUR | COURAGEOUS | SELF LOVE PROJECT
the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

Forgive me for being so vulnerable with these posts. There are things I will say today that my own mother does not know about. Some skeletons I have chosen to leave in my closet. Untouched. But those are the ones that cause the most pain. The ones I still run from. It will take a lot of courage for me to hit the post button before I chose to press delete and continue to hide the feelings and shame away. It's never easy to talk about the past. I am not speaking bad about my ex. I am not even angry about what happened all those years ago. We were kids. And I have learned and grown from my experience and am very proud to be able to help others currently going through what I went through. This is my story and how I chose to walk away with courage.

I was fourteen when I met him. He was sixteen. Young, dumb and completely in love. To be honest, I had no clue what love was back then. But what I did know was I couldn't live without him. (I know you are rolling your eyes at me. I do it with my daughter every time she "falls in love" with a boy.) After dating him for a year, I knew he would probably leave me if I didn't "put out". So when I turned 15, I did. I got pregnant my first time. What are the odds? Well. We didn't use protection, so the odds were pretty high. And little did I know that he had different plans for me. Although we talked about my dreams and aspirations in life, he wanted to go down a different road than what I had mentioned. He wanted to trap me into being his... Forever. And a baby was his solution, so he thought.

Of course the truth didn't come out right away. He made it seem like a mistake. (Please use protection girls and don't let a boy decide your future for you!!!!!) A couple of years later his ugly side started to show. When he felt I was slipping away. And he told me in a drunken state what he did, to keep me. I was so angry because I trusted him. Didn't we talk endless hours through the night about my career and my big dreams? Wasn't he listening? Didn't he want me to succeed? Why would he do that? As the years went on he made me dress a certain way, no longer was I allowed to wear cute half shirts or little shorts and back that I thought he was just protecting me from men looking at me with lust, no longer was I allowed to hang out with my friends and I took that as he loved me so much he wanted me all to himself, no longer was I allowed to wear makeup, he completely took possession over me and controlled my mind. If I went anywhere I had to take the baby with me. Although it was ok for him to be gone until the wee hours of the night, while I stayed at home and waited for him.

He made me believe I wasn't good enough. Said I wouldn't amount to anything. Would never have the career I dreamed of. I wasn't smart enough to do the things I had hoped for. That nobody would love me because I had a baby. That I would be his forever. Yes, I know what you are thinking... I was crazy to believe him. But I did. How many boys at the age of 18 do you know that would want a girl with a baby???!!! Yes, I believed him. He never laid a hand on me but the abuse was loud and clear. Mentally, verbally, emotionally. Scars that run deep, still till this day. Things I won't even mention here, because I can't bear to think of it. For fear of losing control and heading down into a dark place. I thought I was strong enough to talk about this but that young, scared teenager is looking at the screen with eyes wide open and screaming for me to stop talking about it. I know I am talking about all this bad stuff but there were lots of good times. He loved me. I know he loved me. So much so that he would do anything to keep me. And I felt his love. But I was suffocated. It wasn't a healthy kind of love. And I didn't realize this although everyone else could see it.

I was nineteen when I asked him to leave. It was senior ditch day and I decided to go with my friends, although he told me the night before, what my consequences would be if I went. Oh the names he called me when he finally got a hold of me. I had never seen so much anger in a person's eyes. That was when I realized I could be in danger. I remember him grabbing me really hard by the arms and pushing me into the wall. Im not sure he would have ever hurt me. But I didn't give him a chance to. He had already hurt me enough with not allowing me to live out my childhood. And denying me of simple pleasures. He lived with me at the time. So I asked him to pack all his stuff and get out. And if he didn't go quietly, I would have my brothers remove him physically. He left without a fight and took my car.

I was nineteen and on my own with a 3 year old baby boy. One I loved with all my heart. One I did EVERYTHING for. The one who inspired me to be better. The one who pushed me to be the woman I am today. I had the courage to leave even when I didn't think I could make it on my own. Even when I didn't think anybody would love me. Even though my self esteem was at an all time low because of the things that would be repeated over and over again by him. I finally had enough. And I made it without him. I made it on my own. With the help of my family and my friends. I was able to live a very, very beautiful life.

Since then I have been in a few relationships. I have loved and I have lost. I have been cheated on, lied to, yet it never stopped me from continuing to love with all my heart and soul. It took me awhile to find a healthy relationship. I didn't really know what that was. I allowed men to walk all over me. I will never regret any of those relationships. I learned to grow because of them. I took what I could from them and knew what I didn't want in the next one. Today I'm stronger and more courageous than ever. I know how I should be treated. I love myself enough to be treated with respect. I'm a very strong and independent woman now because of my past. It takes a strong man to have me by his side. I don't take shit from anyone anymore. Trust me when I say it wasn't easy. But it was worth it. I went through it twice. Two HUGE breakups and two children to take care of, on my own, at the age of 24. But that is when I was the strongest. I bought a new car and put a downpayment on my brand new home. I lived a very comfortable and cozy life with my two babies. And yes everything my teenage boyfriend told me was a lie. Because I did find an amazing man who loved me and my children like they were his own.

You can make a better life for yourself. But the question is. Do you want to? Do you think you deserve it? Because we accept the love we think we deserve. And you deserve so much more than you think you do. Don't let love blind you. Don't think that because he isn't hitting you that you aren't being abused. Abuse comes in many different forms. Cheating, lying, manipulating, possession, controlling,etc... Change is scary. The unknown is scary. Being on your own is scary. But being in an unhealthy relationship is far worse. Don't let your children watch you go through life with a mask on. You are hurting them more by staying than you are by leaving. I didn't want my children to be without a father. But I definitely knew I didn't want them to grow up watching me cry all the time and be completely unhappy. Don't let your son think its ok to treat women badly and don't show your daughter it’s ok to be treated with disrespect.

We are their future. We lead by example. Teach them the right way to love and to be loved. Give them a future worth living for. Show them what happiness really is. Whether its being alone or walking with a partner by your side. Don't ever let a person define you. Be strong with or without them. Let them add to your happiness but don't depend on them to make you happy. Love unconditionally and accept each others flaws. Be yourself around them. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES!!!! I promise you, you will be ok!!!!! If you want to talk. Inbox me. I'm here for you. We will go through this together. BE COURAGEOUS.

BE YOU, BRAVELY.

Photographer: Modern Love Photography