DAY FOUR | COURAGEOUS | SELF LOVE PROJECT
the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.
Forgive me for being so vulnerable with these posts. There are things I will say today that my own mother does not know about. Some skeletons I have chosen to leave in my closet. Untouched. But those are the ones that cause the most pain. The ones I still run from. It will take a lot of courage for me to hit the post button before I chose to press delete and continue to hide the feelings and shame away. It's never easy to talk about the past. I am not speaking bad about my ex. I am not even angry about what happened all those years ago. We were kids. And I have learned and grown from my experience and am very proud to be able to help others currently going through what I went through. This is my story and how I chose to walk away with courage.
I was fourteen when I met him. He was sixteen. Young, dumb and completely in love. To be honest, I had no clue what love was back then. But what I did know was I couldn't live without him. (I know you are rolling your eyes at me. I do it with my daughter every time she "falls in love" with a boy.) After dating him for a year, I knew he would probably leave me if I didn't "put out". So when I turned 15, I did. I got pregnant my first time. What are the odds? Well. We didn't use protection, so the odds were pretty high. And little did I know that he had different plans for me. Although we talked about my dreams and aspirations in life, he wanted to go down a different road than what I had mentioned. He wanted to trap me into being his... Forever. And a baby was his solution, so he thought.
Of course the truth didn't come out right away. He made it seem like a mistake. (Please use protection girls and don't let a boy decide your future for you!!!!!) A couple of years later his ugly side started to show. When he felt I was slipping away. And he told me in a drunken state what he did, to keep me. I was so angry because I trusted him. Didn't we talk endless hours through the night about my career and my big dreams? Wasn't he listening? Didn't he want me to succeed? Why would he do that? As the years went on he made me dress a certain way, no longer was I allowed to wear cute half shirts or little shorts and back that I thought he was just protecting me from men looking at me with lust, no longer was I allowed to hang out with my friends and I took that as he loved me so much he wanted me all to himself, no longer was I allowed to wear makeup, he completely took possession over me and controlled my mind. If I went anywhere I had to take the baby with me. Although it was ok for him to be gone until the wee hours of the night, while I stayed at home and waited for him.
He made me believe I wasn't good enough. Said I wouldn't amount to anything. Would never have the career I dreamed of. I wasn't smart enough to do the things I had hoped for. That nobody would love me because I had a baby. That I would be his forever. Yes, I know what you are thinking... I was crazy to believe him. But I did. How many boys at the age of 18 do you know that would want a girl with a baby???!!! Yes, I believed him. He never laid a hand on me but the abuse was loud and clear. Mentally, verbally, emotionally. Scars that run deep, still till this day. Things I won't even mention here, because I can't bear to think of it. For fear of losing control and heading down into a dark place. I thought I was strong enough to talk about this but that young, scared teenager is looking at the screen with eyes wide open and screaming for me to stop talking about it. I know I am talking about all this bad stuff but there were lots of good times. He loved me. I know he loved me. So much so that he would do anything to keep me. And I felt his love. But I was suffocated. It wasn't a healthy kind of love. And I didn't realize this although everyone else could see it.
I was nineteen when I asked him to leave. It was senior ditch day and I decided to go with my friends, although he told me the night before, what my consequences would be if I went. Oh the names he called me when he finally got a hold of me. I had never seen so much anger in a person's eyes. That was when I realized I could be in danger. I remember him grabbing me really hard by the arms and pushing me into the wall. Im not sure he would have ever hurt me. But I didn't give him a chance to. He had already hurt me enough with not allowing me to live out my childhood. And denying me of simple pleasures. He lived with me at the time. So I asked him to pack all his stuff and get out. And if he didn't go quietly, I would have my brothers remove him physically. He left without a fight and took my car.
I was nineteen and on my own with a 3 year old baby boy. One I loved with all my heart. One I did EVERYTHING for. The one who inspired me to be better. The one who pushed me to be the woman I am today. I had the courage to leave even when I didn't think I could make it on my own. Even when I didn't think anybody would love me. Even though my self esteem was at an all time low because of the things that would be repeated over and over again by him. I finally had enough. And I made it without him. I made it on my own. With the help of my family and my friends. I was able to live a very, very beautiful life.
Since then I have been in a few relationships. I have loved and I have lost. I have been cheated on, lied to, yet it never stopped me from continuing to love with all my heart and soul. It took me awhile to find a healthy relationship. I didn't really know what that was. I allowed men to walk all over me. I will never regret any of those relationships. I learned to grow because of them. I took what I could from them and knew what I didn't want in the next one. Today I'm stronger and more courageous than ever. I know how I should be treated. I love myself enough to be treated with respect. I'm a very strong and independent woman now because of my past. It takes a strong man to have me by his side. I don't take shit from anyone anymore. Trust me when I say it wasn't easy. But it was worth it. I went through it twice. Two HUGE breakups and two children to take care of, on my own, at the age of 24. But that is when I was the strongest. I bought a new car and put a downpayment on my brand new home. I lived a very comfortable and cozy life with my two babies. And yes everything my teenage boyfriend told me was a lie. Because I did find an amazing man who loved me and my children like they were his own.
You can make a better life for yourself. But the question is. Do you want to? Do you think you deserve it? Because we accept the love we think we deserve. And you deserve so much more than you think you do. Don't let love blind you. Don't think that because he isn't hitting you that you aren't being abused. Abuse comes in many different forms. Cheating, lying, manipulating, possession, controlling,etc... Change is scary. The unknown is scary. Being on your own is scary. But being in an unhealthy relationship is far worse. Don't let your children watch you go through life with a mask on. You are hurting them more by staying than you are by leaving. I didn't want my children to be without a father. But I definitely knew I didn't want them to grow up watching me cry all the time and be completely unhappy. Don't let your son think its ok to treat women badly and don't show your daughter it’s ok to be treated with disrespect.
We are their future. We lead by example. Teach them the right way to love and to be loved. Give them a future worth living for. Show them what happiness really is. Whether its being alone or walking with a partner by your side. Don't ever let a person define you. Be strong with or without them. Let them add to your happiness but don't depend on them to make you happy. Love unconditionally and accept each others flaws. Be yourself around them. KNOW YOUR WORTH LADIES!!!! I promise you, you will be ok!!!!! If you want to talk. Inbox me. I'm here for you. We will go through this together. BE COURAGEOUS.
BE YOU, BRAVELY.
Photographer: Modern Love Photography
